Ok, first of all, it's not wrong to have feelings. If him going to strip clubs hurts you, then by all means, you need to confront him with this hurt. YOU deserve to be treated with respect. Like Susie said, always trust your instincts. If YOU Feel something more is going on, then find out.

I want you to know, first hand, you are not doing anything wrong. Men are very visual creatures. They're turned on simply by looking at female anatomy. Put a pair of boobie and a tufu in front of him, and he'd go nuts- it wouldn't matter if it were attached to the ugliest woman in the world.

My husband has been to a strip club once, and it was for a bachelor party for a guy he worked with. I had no problem with him going, because I told him up front- you ain't getting any when you come home, don't ask. Righty will be your date. He agreed. I wouldn't have a problem with him going on occasion, but I would have a problem if he went regularly.

If men are going to strip clubs regularly- there truly is a problem. Chances are, he's an addict.

Regardless of why your husband is going, if it's making you uncomfortable, stand up for yourself. Don't allow yourself to be tortured over something that CAN be controlled. Best of luck! *hugs*

 

I see the lying as more of a problem than the actual act of going to a strip club. I would have been made as H*ll if my man lied about going.....if he came to me and was open and honest i might be more ok with the situation. But I am with miss 1999 he would NOT be getting anything from me.....I would think he was thinking of them and not me.

If he goes again knowing the way you feel about it then you may need to address the issue more seriously. But I would let him know that the lying is NOT acceptable in your marriage no matter what. Big hugs to you honey.....don't feel like it's something you've done or haven't done.....it's not!

BTW- thanks for stopping by my blog :)

 

This is a tough one it is a matter of what you feel to me. I personally wouldn't care as long as he came home to me. Though I belive since it makes you feel uncomfortable you need to tell him and he needs to respect that. Thanks for commenting on my blog.

 

You are 100% in the right to feel the way you do. He should have told you...especially when he was allegedly on an 'errand'. It is not your fault,men are such jerks. Like miss1999 said, men are visual creatures...

I know my hubby went to a strip club, he told me wayy ahead of time so Id be okay w/ it. I was, since it was a first for him and I trust him. But like miss1999 said so well " Righty will be your date."

If he wanted to go again and he informed me ahead of time to make sure it was okay, Id be fine w/ it. As long as it didnt happen often.

You should definately talk to him about it again. Let him know how you feel about it.Its not good to hold it in....

 

All true. It is not you that needs to change. He is the one with the problem. I mean, how would it be if he said, "Sweetie, could you look more like a stripper and act like a stripper and do me like a stripper?" THEN you would have problems. My ex husband sorta said that to me. Not in the "stripper" sense, but he asked me to be more attractive. I spent 18 years with a man who constantly told me I was not attractive to him. I had literally HUNDREDS of men saying I was attractive. But none of that mattered, if the man I was married to didn't think so. At first, I tried to be what he wanted. But when I was in a state of perfect fitness and my body looked fantastic and I was doing aerobics every day, his response was, "do it twice a day." This is when I knew it had gone to far. I said, "I don't have a weight problem. You have a problem with my weight. It's your problem. You deal with it." I stayed with him for many years after that, but he was never allowed to openly address me that way again. I did finally leave him, but I still have battles with insecurity about not looking like the stripper that every man wants. (And honestly, let me repeat, I have PLENTY of male attention.)

Here's what I say. A man says he wants a lady in public and a whore in bed... until one day he wakes up and says, "Shit! I married a whore!"

 

Okay, I don't really care about the strip club thing as long as (1) they remember to come home and (2) they don't spend their entire paycheck. Trust is a big issue with me and I tend to do that until I have a reason not to. In your situation, the lying would drive me crazier than the location. I can't stand to be lied to and that changes the dynamics of the trust issue.

I do for a fact, if you have a gut instinct that more happened, then it probably did. God blessed us with that one gift and it really does work.

If you feel that he's going because there is something lacking at home, then try a little spontaneity. Get a new nigligee and have a wonderful date night with a "happy ending". But over and beyond anything that you can do... TALK HONESTLY and tell him how much it bothers you.

 

susie: I so appreciate your support on my behalf. I know I shouldn't let it bother me so much. But this isn't the first thing he has lied about. Like talking with his ex. Which she really wants him back. I know he has went to visit her when we got into a fight. But I know I either have to just live with it or get out. This is my third marriage.

miss 1999: I totally agree with you on I should have feelings. But I think Its driving me crazy sometimes. Him lying about going hurts worse that actually going. Because what else is he lying about.

Redneck girl: Yeah. That's how I feel. I don't want him coming home and thinking of them while having sex with me.

Soap Opera girl: I have told him, He knows how I feel about it, But he just acts like I'm just stupid for getting so mad about it. And It's just no big deal.

Barngoddess: Yeah, If he would have told me. I probably would have went with them, since one of his friends wife went. I have never been to one. I would just like to go and see what it's all about. And see what really goes on in them places. I think he didn't tell me because he did not want me to go. I don't know if its because he thought I would get mad, or If he couldn't completely do everything he was doing with me there.

Cathouse tera: Yeah your right, I don't think even if I dressed like a stripper and acted like one he would pay attention to me. He would just think I had lost my mind. I think he likes the thought of looking at something new, It seems more exciting to him. But why when you can't do anything about or did he?

trying to be me: The strip club thing bothers me but like I said earlier, the lying bothers me more because I can't believe anything he tells me now. I know, that no matter what he does he's going to lie about it. Like they say, lyers are cheaters. Because lying to someone, your still doing stuff behind their back.

 

Wow. I'm so glad I read this. I feel your pain.

Married men, in my opinion, do not belong in strip clubs. And you're right about the 'back room'. You'll never know what goes on in there. And if he would lie about going in the first place, why wouldn't he lie about what went on there?

I have a very similar problem with my boyfriend. Not strip clubs though, our problem is internet porn. I love him very much and we get along great, but as soon as I'm out of the house, for even a couple of hours, he's downloading and burning to DVD as much porn as he can find. This bothers me, in the same way the stripper thing bothers you. What about me? I'm right here with him, willing to go to any length sexually to please him, but he'd rather look at porn. What's wrong with me? I can do anything those girls do, and I'm actually REAL! And I hate that he tries to hide it and lies to me about it. I've told him before that he could very easily lose me over this, but still it continues.

You're not crazy or wrong to feel the way you do. Sometimes I think I'm nuts for being upset by something that's not even real, so it's good to hear that I'm not the only one. It makes you feel inadequate, insecure, unattractive, unwanted. Men don't get that, because in their mind, they think it's perfectly fine to look at as many naked women as they can in their lifetime. But it hurts us. That's the issue.

The only thing I miss about my ex-husband is our sex life. He made me feel like the sexiest, most desirable creature on the planet. There was never a question in my mind that what I did for him 'did it' for him, if you know what I mean. I was enough for him, he didn't seem to require outside influences. And I haven't felt that with anyone else since, and it's certainly taken its toll on my self-esteem.

Now, in his defense: My problem is snooping. I know he's doing something wrong, so when he's gone, I check to see if I'm right. And I always am. I hate that. I tell him the porn bothers me, he responds by saying that my snooping bothers him, so we're really in a no-win situation. Trust is an issue now, and I don't see it getting any better.

Oh, and he does the same thing to me, making me feel stupid for getting upset about it. I try to sit down and have a very grown-up conversation with him about my concerns, no fighting, just talking. But he just gets mean and defensive, dismissing my fears. He has agreed to counseling with me though, so at least there's a glimmer of hope in all of this.

I hope things work out for you. I know how much you're hurting, and I really do identify with your feelings.

Men suck. Batteries never lie.

 

Then I would have some major issues since he doesn't vaidate how you feel about the sititution and yes you can add my link.

 

chrissie: I know what you mean. But trust is the whole issue now since he lyed to me. How can you trust someone that lies to you?

Jenn: I totally agree with you. Why men feel the need to lie to you and do things they know bothers you in the first place. I love the part about men suck and batteries never lie. lol . They just die at the worst times lol.

 

oh my!it is sad.susie said it all.i couldnt have said it better.dont feel guilty for the way you are reacting.you have every RIGHT to.i am so sorry you have to go through this.i hope all works out well for you eventually.but do confront him and see if you can find a permanent solution to your discompfort.otherwise it will just eat you up...

 

JUST let me say ~ contrary to popular protest... not all men love to go to strip clubs and view porn. I think "those" men say that all other men are doing it so that it will validate their own sick addictions. They will make a forced argument to validate their immature need to look for something they don't/can't have. In their minds, it keeps it exciting. More likely, keeps "it excited."

So is every man who is at a strip club an addict? Not likely. Not any more than any man who is at a bar getting drunk is an alcoholic. But they are sure on the right path.

When we started dating, I asked my boyfriend if he had a history of frequenting strip clubs. He said, "I can't see any use for it. Getting all turned on by naked women and not getting to fuck them? I mean, a lap dance is even worse!"

Really ladies. There are plenty of good fish in the sea. No need to stay with fuckin liars.

Remember, pussy is always the commodity. You are the one with the goods!

 

maisha: I know what you mean. But when I try to even talk to him about it . He gets very upset and doesn't even talk about it. He just storms out.

cathouse teri: I totally agree. I'm giving him one more chance to prove to me he can control hisself. Just because he is with his so called friends and they want to go. He is a grown man and could tell them hell no. that's stupid. Even thought I know He knew they were going before he left. Because he called me from on his way home from work. and told me he was going straight down there and back because he was tired. but all of a sudden he decided to come home and get cleaned up first. Which he would never do when he was supposed to go get an axle for a big truck. Why get cleaned for that when you're probably just going to get dirty again. In between the time he called me and told me that one of his friends called him and after that is when he decided to get cleaned up first. So I know he knew before he left. But He lies, and is never going to admit that. Because I have asked him about that too.

 

Oh! lol! I forgot about this with my bf. He will NEVER admit that he's lied to me, he always twists it around on me, making me sound like I'm crazy and that it's all in my head. Here's an example:

Me: You've been lying to me about (blank)

BF: (rolls his eyes and gets huffy)

Me: Why can't you just admit that you lied, say you're sorry and we can move on?

BF: I'm sorry you think I lied.

Me: No, no, no. Be sorry about the lying!

BF: But I'm not lying. You obviously think that I am. Whatever you found, and whatever you've made up in your head, you think I'm lying, so I'm sorry. I'm an asshole and all I do is lie and treat you like shit. There. Are you happy?

Me: No, not really.

There's no middle ground here. I'm making everything up and he's never done a thing. Even when I bust him with actual evidence, he uses the same 'well, you've got it in your head that I lied so I lied.'

No, it's not that it's just in my head.

Grr. Men.

 

I'm not big on "one more chance." My give a damn is busted.

I repeat, plenty of fish in the sea. :)

Not likely you (or he) will be changing that leopard's spots.

But get some counseling. This is serious.

 

I'm gonna be the first male to break the silence here because I think it is an issue that needs to be addressed.

I'm not going to sit here and say that I am the perfect man. I have my flaws, and in some regards, I've done it all. I've done the whole strip club thing, the internet porn thing, and I've even been in relationships where I have cheated on my so called significant other, as well as been very, and I mean very, promiscuous.

I completely agree with the strip club thing now. The last time I actually went, something popped in my head and I left wondering why the hell I was giving these girls all my money with nothing in return. That stuck with me and I haven't been to one again. The internet porn is another I just recently conquered...like in today. Today, I got rid of all of it, and I won't be going back to it again. The cheating is something I won't do again either. Also, the promiscuous behavior has stopped too.

I'm telling you all this because I want you to know that there are some of us out there who are not like that. Some of us actually care about the one we say we love, and listen to their feelings and try to show them that. I hate when all men are grouped into one category because even though most of us really "are" a**holes, that doesn't mean we all are.

I have found someone I love who I would never, ever even think of cheating on, never in a million years. I don't need another woman, because I do have her, and I love her.

You have every right to be mad. He lied to you, and in my eyes, that is a far worse crime than actually going to the strip club. As susiebadoozie says, it is normal for you to feel this way. reread her comment, as it rings very true.

Most men who do things like this are unhappy in the bedroom, and do want something different, but I guess they expect you to have ESP in order to please them.

I have to say I agree with most of the commentors here with a few exceptions. I agree with jenn completely. Her comment is one that is very wise, and could go for more than just this situation.

I'll say that I have found someone I do love with all my heart, and I think she is everything I could ever want in another human being, but I am guilty of hurting her too. I had stopped the strip clubs and the promiscuous behavior and the cheating before we met. The internet porn thing was a very real thing for us. We talked about it last night, and after much thinking about it, I decided to get rid of it. Not only because she didn't like me having it, not just to make her happy. I have realized I don't need it anymore, and I did it for me, and for us.

One thought in my head went like this.....Here I have found the perfect person for me. I tell her every day that I think she is beautiful, and have been doing so for as long as I have been able to. However, I had this problem of downloading porn from the web. I didn't know it bothered her until she told me, (I know, stupid man thing), so I threw most of it away...but not all of it. Now I let her know I had some still because I really don't want to lie and make things worse. Last night though, I thought, here I am telling her that I think she's the sexiest woman alive, yet still holding on to this porn....and for what? It was then I decided to toss it all away for good. I realized how stupid I sounded saying that to her and still hoarding the porn, and last night, I saw how much it really hurt her to know I still had it. I do believe that she is the sexiest woman alive, and she is worth everything I could possibly give and do for her, so I did this for us.

I know this is a lengthy comment, and it may not make a lot of sense, but I wanted you all to know that not all of us men are like these other unfortunate souls you've had to deal with.

I know posting my opinion here is taking a chance, and I'm willing to risk it to let my voice be heard.

I truly feel for each of you, and the situations you had to be put through. I hope each of you finds love and happiness :)

Just so I won't leave here with a name (I have to post anonymously because blogger beta has issues), I will also leave a link to my blog. Thanks for reading this :)

mindtwister (mindtwister138.blogspot.com)

 

This has become quite the therapy session!

Good for you on realizing that you were hurting her. I'm glad to hear that there are men who can make these sorts of realizations, and make the changes needed in their relationships.

I personally don't lump men into the 'all men are jerks' category. I have dated and am friends with some truly nice and wonderful men.

Sadly, my problem continues. Once again I was out of the house for a few hours on Tuesday (I work from home most of the time), and sure enough, he was right back to it. I'm starting to think he has a real addiction problem.

He says he loves me and that he cares about my feelings, but it's hard to believe all of that when he keeps doing the same thing over and over, knowing damn well that it's hurtful to me.

Maybe I should just let it go. If that's the only issue we have, maybe I can learn to deal with it? But why should I have to?

We were actually out at the mall, looking at engagement rings yesterday. I guess I better decide right away if this is what I really want.

But seriously, good for you. I hope things work out wonderfully for you both.

 

Thanks for the words of praise! For a minute, I didn't know if anyone was going to respond, or if I had a lot of people mad at me....lol.

Seriously though, has he considered counseling or offered to speak to anyone. If he's willing and actually goes through with it, there may be hope. If not, you may want to reconsider, especially if it bothers you as much as you say it does, and he doesn't try to get past his addiction.

I hope things work out for you both as well. Keep us all updated on how it all goes?


mindtwister

 

Melinda - thank you for letting us take up so much space on your comments section!

Something funny - I was REALLY mad at him the other day, and as I sat her stewing, I saw a commercial for a new talk show with a guy named Greg Behrendt - he's a comedian, and he also wrote that book, "He's Just Not That Into You" - maybe you've heard of him? Anywho. I went to his website to find out when his show is on here, and I saw a little "Got a Question for Greg?" link, so I clicked it. I wrote about my problem, in the funniest and most charming way possible. The next day, I got a call from one of the producer's of the show. Holy hell, they may want me to come and be on the show! I really just wanted his advice, not to air my dirty laundry on television! So now I'm thinking, how can I do this without the bf knowing? I could tell him that I have a comedy audition or something. Maybe he would buy it. I'm quite certain he will never see the show. Suggestions?

 

Hey Jenn :)

I dunno if people are still commenting here or not, but seems you haven't gotten any suggestions!

My sister was married to a man who was addicted to porn. She suggested counseling, and he agreed. He went to a few sessions but they didn't seem to be helping. I'm not sure he really wanted help anyway. This was all very hard on her. They had a great friendship. And he's a very nice man. But the intimacy between them was all but gone. She was finding it hard to live without. I believe porn was certainly a contributing factor to the problem. She struggled over divorcing him, because as I said, he is a nice man. It's hard enough to leave a mean man! :) But, with the help of a counselor, she found the strength to seek a life that would make her feel whole again. This man, the addict, was a casualty. We all loved him and I know he loved us. It was terrible and unfortunate. I know in a divorce, you often lose many friends, etc. We don't see him any more, but not because we hate him or anything. Just because we are not on crossing paths any more. He lost, not only his wife and home, but an entire family. I don't know if he ever got over his addiction. She is now in a very good and strong relationship with a man who adores her most entirely. And we all love him, too. No doubt, he has not pornographic tendencies. Porn addiction can cause some great destruction and I'm glad that mindtwister came in to honestly tell his story. It really is true, there are some great guys out there.

As for your potential television appearance... I would recommend you talk to your boyfriend honestly about what's been going on. About how you contacted that site out of a need for some answers he wasn't giving you. Addictions create a "secret" world that is terribly unhealthy on all sides. Addicts are often heard to say things like, "well we don't tell people our secrets. this is for our family only." They are highly offended if this trust is betrayed, even though they will lie, cheat and steal to feed their ill appetites.

I say if you can't be open and honest in your relationship, then there's big trouble.

As mindtwister pointed out, if there is communication, anything can be overcome. No one expects their mates to be perfect. But we do expect one another to be honest.

 

After talking with the producer for a while on the phone, I decided to forego any appearances.

But it's all moot now anyway. We had a huge fight over the weekend, and in a momentary lapse of judgement, he hit me. I'm done. I deserve better. Thank you for your comments, and if you happen to pop into my blog, please don't mention this. He doesn't read it but his ex girlfriend and several of our mutual friends do. I mention it here only because you folks don't really know me.